发霉啦：今天，我接到一个男性好朋友的电话

昔日怪咖
今天，我接到一个男性好朋友的电话，我们已经好久没见了。他说对我有着“很深”的感情，他想知道既然我老公已经驻外了，我们是否能“恋爱恋爱”，因为他跟他父母说我是他女朋友。FML
Today, I received a phone call from a good guy friend of mine, someone I haven’t seen for years. He tells me he has “deep” feelings for me, and wants to know since my husband is deployed, if it would be okay if we “dated” because he told his parents I’m his girlfriend. FML

别吵我
今天，连着忙了两周的我终于能歇一天了，我特别开心终于能睡个懒觉了。一大早5点，我妈叮了咣啷的敲开我的房门。我问她怎么了，她说就是想看看我是不是在睡觉。FML
Today, I finally had a day off in two weeks and I was excited about getting to sleep in. At 5 a.m., my mom loudly knocked and came in. When I asked her what she wanted, she said she was checking to see if I was asleep. FML

以后还是不必了
今天，我跟暗恋很久的他出去玩。本以为就我俩，没想到他又叫了一个朋友。我还得开半个小时的车去接这朋友。他请她看了电影，而我的电影票还是自己买的。在电影院里他为她KOBE，回家路上还在车上跟她亲热。FML
Today, I went on what I thought was a solo outing with my longtime crush. He decided to invite a friend along. I had to pick her up half an hour away from town, he treated her to the movie we were watching while I had to pay for myself, he fingered her in the theatre, and made out with her on the drive home. FML

哥们，挺会挑时候啊
今天，我跟好闺蜜诉苦说觉得自己没什么吸引力，永远不会有人愿意约我出去。在她安慰我的时候，被一个搭讪她的陌生人打断了。FML
Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

选医患保密协议还是家庭
今天，是我在妇产科上班的第一周。我见到带着大肚子小三来的已婚男多到爆，最恶心的是其中一个还是我妹夫。虽然他不是患者，但我还是担心告知我妹妹会让我丢了工作。FML
Today, it’s my first week working in a OB office. The amount of married men bringing in their pregnant sidechicks is absolutely sickening, but the worst part is one of them was my sister’s husband! I’m scared I’ll get fired if I tell her, even though he wasn’t the patient. FML

我的新朋友
今天，是我老婆的生日。但是我今天要上班，于是就给她了200美金让她花，然后就去上班了。下班我带着晚餐还有她喜欢的电影回家，一推开门发现多了条狗。救助站打算把它安乐死的，但老婆她舍不得。我也喜欢它，但我对狗子过敏。FML
Today, it’s my wife’s birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I’m allergic to dogs. FML

鬼火少年
今天，来探亲的侄子开车带我去蛋糕店给婚礼蛋糕结账，顺便提货回家。半道上他超速被警察拦了，一查驾照还过期了。最后这蛋糕款成了他的保释金。FML
Today, my visiting cousin was driving me to pick-up and pay for my wedding cake at the bakery. The cops pulled him over for speeding and as it turns out his license was expired. I ended up having to use my wedding cake money to bail him out of jail. FML

辣菊
今天，我吃了一碗女朋友自己做的辣椒。她放佐料时有点猛，但我还是吃完了。一个小时后，我可以很负责的告诉大家，假如进去的时候辣，出来的时候更他妈辣。FML
Today, I ate a bowl of my girlfriend’s homemade chili. She went a little heavy on the spices, but I ate it anyway. An hour later, I can now say that if it burns going in, it will explode coming out your rear. FML

受伤？这经济伤的起吗？
今天，我的工作终于给我上健康保险了。得益于一次小伤，才发现这个保险的免赔额巨高无比，我得被陨石砸了才有可能够赔付线。FML
Today, after I finally got health insurance through my job, I had a minor injury leading to me discovering that my deductible is so high, I’d have to be struck by a meteor to get anything covered. FML

被困在旧社会
今天，严重厌女的爷爷车坏了，我不得不带他去修车。车修好后，他才发现修车的是个女师傅。他说除非找个“真正的修车师傅”过来检查一下车是不是真修好了，要不他不付修车钱。FML
Today, I had to take my horribly misogynistic grandad to get his car repaired. After it was done, he realised the repair had been done by a female mechanic, so he refused to pay or leave until a “proper mechanic” checked over his car to make sure she hadn’t fucked it up. FML